Losing Yourself & Finding Your Way Back | Dr. Crystal Harrell | 199

What happens when life pulls you so far away from who you once were… that finding your way back feels almost impossible?

In this deeply personal episode of Manders Mindset, host Amanda Russo sits down with Dr. Crystal Harrell, Yale-trained public health researcher, bestselling author, and CEO to explore her journey of losing and rediscovering herself. From growing up in public housing as one of ten children to experiencing the devastating loss of her father at just 11 years old, Crystal shares how that pivotal moment reshaped her sense of safety, identity, and connection to the world around her.

Together, Amanda and Crystal unpack how grief, constant change, and emotional survival led to years of feeling disconnected and lost… and what it truly took to begin the journey back home. Through reflection, resilience, and a deep commitment to self-discovery, Crystal reveals how she’s been reclaiming the joyful, fearless version of herself she once knew and what that process looks like in real life.

💡 In this episode, listeners will discover:

🧠 How early life experiences shape identity and emotional patterns
 💔 The impact of losing a parent at a young age and how it shifts everything
 🏠 What it’s like growing up in public housing as part of a large family
 🔄 How constant change and instability can lead to feeling lost
 🌱 The journey of reconnecting with your younger, authentic self
 🔥 Why healing isn’t about becoming someone new but returning to who you were
 🧭 What it really takes to come back home to yourself after years of disconnection

⏰ Timeline Summary:

[2:10] Growing up as one of ten children in public housing
 [6:45] Losing her father at 11 and the emotional impact that followed
 [11:30] How her mother changed through grief and survival
 [18:20] The beginning of feeling unsafe, isolated, and disconnected
 [26:40] Navigating mental health struggles and identity loss
 [35:15] The turning point toward self-discovery and healing
 [44:50] Reconnecting with her younger self and finding joy again

Transcript

Welcome And Meet Dr. Crystal

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Manders and Mindset Podcast. Here you'll find both monologue and interviews of entrepreneurs, coaches, healers, and a variety of other people, where your host, Amanda Rousseau, will discuss her own mindset and perspective, and her guest mindset and perspective on the world around us. Manders and her guests will help explain to you how shifting your mindset will shift your life.

SPEAKER_01 0:29

Welcome to Manders Mindset, where we explore the power of shifting your mindset to shift your life. I'm your host, Amanda, and I'm here today with Dr. Crystal Harold. She is a Yale-trained public health researcher, a best-selling author, a TEDx speaker, and the CEO of a holistic health company. Thank you for joining me. Hi, Amanda. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. So who would you say Crystal is at the core? Who is at the who is Crystal at the core?

SPEAKER_02 1:04

I like this question starting off. Let's see. I would say Crystal is someone who is very playful, someone who is very vision-oriented, someone who loves family and community, and someone who just loves the life that she's living. Would you say you've always embodied that? No, not always. I it started off that way. I lost myself for a bit in my teens and young adulthood, and then I'm finally coming back home to myself.

Childhood Loss And Survival Mode

SPEAKER_01 1:41

That's awesome. Can you take us down memory lane a little bit? Tell us about your childhood, upload.

SPEAKER_02 1:49

Yeah, so it's a long story. So I won't go so deep unless you want to kind of talk about different areas of it as it comes up. But I was raised in public housing apartments as one of 10. So I have nine sisters and brothers. There's seven girls and three boys. And I was raised in a very religious household. So we were in church a lot. Both my parents are ministers or war ministers. And we just had a lot of fun growing up. Like there was a lot of us. So it was kind of like the movie Home Alone. That all that chaos was just like my everyday life. And that movie was actually one of our favorites because I felt like we all identified with that kind of thing. Like people jump in the shower before you, people wearing your clothes, feeling like the outsider, that whole thing. Like it was fun growing up because there was so many of us. But there was also things that we didn't have because of our financial situation. So in some ways we were limited, but in a lot of ways we were very expansive because of the love in the family that we had growing up. When I was 11, I lost my dad to cancer. And that is what really caused me to go down that dark kind of path of feeling isolated, feeling unsafe, feeling afraid of life. I started to deal with a lot of mental health stuff, and I'm finally on the other side of that since graduating. I would say, like, this part of my journey now is just coming back home to that little crystal, the part of me that was so full of joy, the part of me that wasn't afraid of life, the part of me that just loved love. Like I'm just, I just want to get back to her. And it that's been this whole seven-year journey of self-discovery that I wrote about in my source book.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

Oh, it's okay. I appreciate that. That is tough, especially at such a like prime-shaping age.

SPEAKER_02 3:33

Oh, yeah. It was the hardest thing I I've ever experienced in my entire life. That was the starting point of everything else, all the chaos, all the trauma that happened after that.

SPEAKER_01 3:44

I'm curious, how did life shift for you after that, after your dad passing?

SPEAKER_02 3:50

The main thing that changed was just the fact that we had to move so many times. So when one parent kind of, you know, exit the household, whether that's through divorce or death or whatever happened, separation, now the sole responsibility of taking care of that family is on one person, one parent. And so my mom, who was once this soft, like nurturing parent, who would come in the room and kind of wake you up, kind of with that kind of singing song in her voice. She was now very masculine and now very, you know, she was grieving. And so she became someone that was unrecognizable. And so, in a way, I always felt like I lost two parents at the same time because my mom had become someone that I didn't recognize in our relationship, became strained for a very long time. It felt like things were very chaotic and not very stable after that. And so it caused me to kind of naturally I go inside when I don't feel safe. And so I spent a lot of years living as a shell of myself. And now it's like that shell is cracking open, and now I'm seeing life again for the first time.

Learning To Grieve And Reopen

SPEAKER_01 4:53

Now, what helped that shell crack open for you?

SPEAKER_02 4:58

It was the whole journey of self-discovery. I feel like in life, it really takes us on a path of remembering who we truly are and our core essence. And my journey is no different than that. I really had to start looking at the ways in which I was operating. And because losing a parent happened when I was such at a you know pivotal point in my development, my childhood development, there were a lot of things that really didn't have the chance to develop. I didn't know how to grieve. I didn't know how to sit with life in a way that allowed me to feel comfortable in those quote unquote uncomfortable emotions like grief, shame, guilt, everything that came after that, feeling angry for most of the time. So now it's like because I'm older, you know, life experiences have brought me back to those emotions. And it's, you know, it's having the choice to decide am I going to continue to shove them down and not experience them, or am I allowed, am I going to allow those emotions to flow like a river through me and to hold space for them and recognizing that they were actually trying to signal to me what was going on internally. I feel like that awareness process, and I speak about this a lot, but self-awareness is the beginning stages. It's just becoming aware of how we were operating and deciding to either continue on that path or to try something different. And I was tired of living in survival, quite literally.

SPEAKER_01 6:21

That makes sense. I like how you mentioned the flowing like a river, you know, like my mom actually made me after a river. Really? Yeah. Oh my gosh. How was school for you in your upbringing?

SPEAKER_02 6:39

I wasn't always the best student, surprisingly. I always had a natural curiosity, but because I asked so many questions in class, I was always in trouble because the teachers were like annoyed with my questions, and so I had to go stand in the corner often. Because there were so many of us at home, and I, you know, you never get that attention. I'm one of the I'm number seven, so I'm one of the younger children that was running around. And so my parents' attention were, you know, they was elsewhere. And so in school, I kind of I was like that bully, that, you know, that child that was always acting out and doing weird random stuff. Because I was, you know, in a way searching for that attention I never really got at home. And so school didn't actually become an enjoyable experience for me until unfortunately after my dad died, because that's when I, like I said, I retreated, I guess, with within myself. And I really kind of slowed down a lot. And I was just like, okay, well, if being the ideal student is going to get me accepted or get me through this process faster, then I'll just do what I need to do in order to be a better student or be the perfect student. And so that was kind of like my coping mechanism to stay out of trouble because I was already hurting and I didn't want to cause any more pain to myself or to others in that process. I was very aware as a child, which is why I was very weird, but I was aware of everything that was happening.

SPEAKER_01 8:04

That's good that you were very aware of what grade were you in when your dad passed? I was 11, so I was going into my sixth grade year. How would you say that shaped high school for you?

College Detours Toward Public Health

SPEAKER_02 8:19

So it sounds strange because I went through this period of like disassociative amnesia, which is a side effect of experiencing trauma. Like you, there are parts of you know, your memory you just can't remember. And so I would say like early high school, I just I don't remember a lot of it because I was just doing whatever I needed to get through that. But I will say that I remember that switch happening from middle school. So I was in middle school when my dad first passed away, and I remember my eighth grade year. I remember I was start starting to develop, so I was like a late bloomer, and so I could see how my physical changes were affecting my relationships. And so it was just like very interesting to witness that. And so in high school, I really went through this blossoming experience where I was, you know, doing sports. So I was like captain of the cheerleading team, I was class president, I was like doing all these things, and it was easy for me to get along with people because again, I was consciously aware of the fact that I did not want to cause any harm to any of my peers because of all the pain that I was in. And I knew that if no one knew what I was experiencing, I could be mean to someone and I had no idea what they were dealing with at home. And so I was very aware, I think to a certain extent too, almost to a fault because it made me this people-pleasing pushover type of a person, just out of survival. But high school was actually quite fun because again, I was experiencing this blossoming and I was experiencing myself fitting in, quote unquote fitting in in crowds where I didn't always feel accepted. So it was different. I get what you're saying. Did you go to college right after high school? So I went to college from 18 to 29. All I never took a break, so I was a full-time student the whole entire time. So I've never taken like a summer break because I was always taking summer classes. So from 2024 till now, this is the first time I have not ever been in the classroom. So it's very I'm learning a lot.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

Did you always know you wanted to go to college?

SPEAKER_02 10:19

Yes, I did. But because of growing up in public housing and my family situation, especially after losing a parent, like I was often told that I wasn't going to get there. And so it was very hard for me because that was my dream was to go to school. I wanted to go to Auburn, which is like one of the bigger schools in the state of Alabama. And I just knew I wanted to go to school there and I could already see myself in the classroom. I felt that I was already a student there, but the circumstances, you know, weren't pointing in that direction. But I went on this journey of like applying for scholarships and getting free money for school, and that's what helped me get into that, into college. But it was always a dream because I love learning. I just wasn't always the best student. Did you always know what you wanted to go to school for? I started off pre-med because I wanted to be a surgeon like Dr. Ben Carson. I watched his story, Gifted Hands, and I read his book, and I reached out to him my senior year, and he had emailed me back. And I was just like, you know, you're my inspiration. So I just I always wanted to be because he had came from very difficult upbringings like I had. And so as a high school student, I was looking towards people who had very disadvantaged upbringings who had created a level of success because I knew I had to model their behavior. I knew I had to look at their life and how they did it, and I had to pull inspiration from their stories. And so his stories was one of the stories that I really gravitated towards. So I wanted to be a doctor like him. In my first year of school, I failed my first class. It was chemistry, and I had a breakdown, and I was, I was like, I have to try something else. So, in a way, I was kind of initially guided by the vision of becoming a doctor. I didn't know I would become a doctor of public health. I wanted to be a neurosurgeon, but I suck at test taking. And so this is where you know my path led me. But I love what I do, I love what I study, and I was kind of driven by that love of public health. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

And it's a similar vote, you know, that you you went down, even though it wasn't the specific path you originally planned. I feel like that happens to so many of us and it views. Yeah. But isn't that great though?

SPEAKER_02 12:33

Because like I feel like I think it's like Rumi said, like, as you start to walk the way it peers. So it's like you don't really know until you start walking down that path, but having that initial vision is what really gets you going down that path to begin with.

SPEAKER_01 12:48

I'm curious, the path of transitioning, like what you were studying, how was that for you? Did you know right after you failed that wasn't for you? You switched it right away.

SPEAKER_02 12:57

Oh, it was definitely a process, but it didn't take long because I had an older sister who was at a university. She was at Tuskegee, which was like 20 minutes down the road, if she was in college the same time I was. And she was a biology major at the time. And so I basically called her crying. I was like, I failed my chemistry course, like, I don't know what I'm gonna do. And she basically told me she was like, please don't spend your entire college experience studying something you paid. She was like, please find something that you love. And so at the same time, I was taking a sociology course, and that was my best course. Like I was I was good at writing papers, I was good at doing research, those were like my gyms. I call up my academic strength. So I was really good at those types of things. And I was talking about this class outside of class, like I was talking about it in my free groups, and I'm just like, if I'm talking about this information all the time, maybe I love this. Like maybe I should my major to sociology. And so I did, and then I just started to thrive after that. Like my college experience got better. I ended up getting accepted into a grad school program based off of my GPA. My education was now like a 3.7, and then I got accepted into a competitive grad school program. That's how Yale came into the picture. But had I not changed my major, I know I wouldn't have got accepted into Yale. Absolutely not.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

Oh, so the first switch was to sociology.

SPEAKER_02 14:18

Uh-huh. And then that's how public health came into the picture through a seminar I experienced in grad school by a social epidemiologist called his name was Dr. Michael Kramer. And I knew when I heard his lecture, I was like, that's it. That's exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. And I knew it.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

Now, what were you was this sociology class just like a random elective? Was it like a my like just a random elective yours?

SPEAKER_02 14:43

Yeah, it was an elective. It was cool though, because I'm like, you don't realize how the dots are connected until you're, you know, looking back on the journey, and it's so beautiful how it happened, you know.

SPEAKER_01 14:57

That's amazing. And what was it about the sociology class that you were fascinated with?

SPEAKER_02 15:04

The content. It was, I was always so fascinated with life. I think we talked about this earlier in our conversation. I had a natural curiosity about life and about my world that I was living in, and I loved it. I was, I think the way that people describe it's like I always saw life in color. Like I was a very sensitive child. It got me bullied a lot because I cried easily. But the other side of that is that life felt like living in this magical world, this magical palace, and I was just every day excited to experience it. And so when I was studying sociology, I started to learn about human behavior, about social norms, the process of socialization, and I was just like, wait, wait, wait. There was language to this, and so that was like, you know, that's what drew me in initially.

SPEAKER_01 15:51

Wow, that's so cool. How from one one small kind of random thing led you the whole path. Yeah, the whole path.

Mentors Vision And Persistence

SPEAKER_02 16:02

And I I wouldn't change it for a bit, but I will say it's it's what helped me help students the way that I get to now because I know that it feels so disorienting when you're first in college. You don't know what you're doing. And I think every student should have a mentor. I I really do believe that. Did you have a mentor that helped you? She came into the picture. It was either the end of my freshman year or the beginning of my sophomore year. And she has been my mentor since. And she's the one who led me towards public health because I went to that lecture. But then I was still unsure of myself because I was like, uh, public I love public health, but I gotta do what it's gonna look good on paper. And she was the mentor that was like, no, do public health. And so it was like having some type of reinforcement. And so mentors, they usually have gone down the path before you, and so they're able to navigate and they're able to help you and point you towards where your heart truly was, hopefully.

SPEAKER_01 17:01

And now how did you get the your mentor?

SPEAKER_02 17:04

It was one of those random things again. I was a student athlete, so I was running track in college, and we had one of the first football players who one of the first African American football players to ever play at a PWI, and so which is a predominantly white institution, and he came to speak to one of our classes, and I was just so again amazed by his story of overcoming and that resiliency that he showed. And after he gave his, you know, his talk, I went to him and asked if he could mentor me. And I was telling him my story about you know losing a parent and where I was, and he stopped and he was like, you know what, my wife would be very good at helping you. He connected us. I wrote her a letter. Like I still have the letter now. And she read it and she was like, okay. And she says she doesn't take a lot. She wasn't in the space then to mentor, but she felt that she needed to do it, and so I dated her for that every every single moment I get.

SPEAKER_01 18:02

You know, sometimes life just happens like that, you know, like the things we need or we're seeking in life appear well in in little ways.

SPEAKER_02 18:13

Yeah, that's true. I call them like little magic moments. Like it's it's very because I don't think we recognize the impact of it until we're looking back, you know, that would have never happened. It's so it's like a ripple effect.

Building Seven Sisters With Family

SPEAKER_01 18:28

It really is. No, I want to transition to Chad. I know you're the CEO of a holistic health and beauty company. How did that come to be?

SPEAKER_02 18:42

It's again one of those synchronous only. It's like I had just graduated from school, but during my doctorate, I was studying abroad. So I was researching spiritual consciousness and the impact on that relationship between stress and health. And while I was studying in places like Vali and Thailand, I couldn't find any products for my hair. And it was very frustrating because when you're traveling, you don't want to look crazy. So you hope that you can find some products to help you get yourself together. And I couldn't find any. And so I started making my own products and I started using like natural herbs and oils, and I didn't have chemicals or anything in my products. And I saw my hair started to change and my skin started to change, and I I saw that it was actually healthy, and I wasn't using anything but nature, but natural ingredients. And so when I came back to the States to graduate in April of 2020 in May of 2024, I started working my first full-time job in June. And it was in corporate America, and I was miserable. I hated it every single day. And something happened on the job where they cut my paycheck in halves. And I had a decision whether I was gonna, you know, say yes now to this new reduced salary and continue with this company, or if I was gonna choose a different path. And I knew immediately that I wasn't gonna continue because I wasn't happy there and I was getting physically sick the longer I stayed there. And so I chose myself and I called my sister after I quit, and I was like, Do you want to just start this company? Because we had been talking about it before, and she was doing the same thing in the state. She was making hair products for another one of our sisters who was dealing with balding because of the stress she was experiencing, and so she had created this oil, this herbal infused oil that grew my sister's hair back within a matter of weeks. And so we kind of just put two and two together. She's a licensed esthetician and cosmetologist with I think she has like 20 years' experience, and she's also a celebrity stylist. And I have that public health, holistic health side of it, the research side of it, and and the back-end part of building a company, and we just brought it together and created it.

SPEAKER_01 20:48

Wow, that's so cool. And I I love how you did that with your sister.

SPEAKER_02 20:53

Oh, yeah, it's seven of us.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

So seven sisters is the name of our company, and so it's so it was all of your sisters that you did this with.

SPEAKER_02 21:01

So the sister who's the institution is kind of like the main one because she has the experience. So she and I are kind of you know the lead of it, but the all the other sisters have a place, and they all kind of contribute. Like one sister, she does photography. We have another sister who's the model for some of our campaigns, another sister who's a social media manager. So yeah, we all kind of come together. Oh my gosh, that is so cute. Yeah, so it's been going really well. We ended up making that. So when I walked away from my job, I asked them to actually give me a letter saying why my position was cut in half. And they basically sent me this letter saying I couldn't sue them for discrimination and gave me this big check. And so I used the money to start the company and we made back that money within the first couple of months. And so, and then we got contacted by a bunch of like retail brokerage companies who want to get us into retail stores, but we're still young, so I don't want to put us in that position to be overworked while we're still building. It's been interesting. But it's growing. It's just you know, we have to be in a place to where we can sustain that growth, and it takes time, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

Wow, that's amazing. No, that's absolutely amazing. Was that your idea? To do what? To create the company, or was it one of your sisters?

SPEAKER_02 22:22

We all built it at the same time. Because the name Seven Sisters have been coming up maybe years prior because we wanted to start a podcast where we have like conversations, but podcasts take a lot of work. You know this, they're a lot of work, and I was just like, I don't think we're well yet. And so we always had the name Seven Sisters because we have a group chat named Seven Sisters where all of us are in there. But the company was kind of birthed from that sisterhood, and so it was a collective thing that we all just decided to do. Thankfully, my sisters trusting it enough to run it. I've been running businesses since 2020, and so they was just like, okay, you can, you know, lead and then you know we'll do, but all of us contribute equally.

SPEAKER_01 23:27

That's awesome. And I love the f family dynamic of that. Are you close with your brothers like you are your sisters? Yeah, we were very close.

SPEAKER_02 23:37

We also have a separate chat that's called siblings, and so it's all of us in there together too. But my brothers, because it's only three of them, they're kind of like I wouldn't say they're on the outskirts, but you know, boy boys, men, you know, we they don't have the same type of conversation, like you know, if you get into the T and they don't like that. Well, I guess that's we move the conversations over to the other chat.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

I get that. Oh my gosh. That's awesome though that even though there's so many of you, you guys seem really, really close.

SPEAKER_02 24:11

Yeah, I think it's because of like everything that we went through as children and the fact that my dad was he was a family man, like a real family man. He was there, he was present, he was a musician and an artist, so he taught my siblings how to read music and my sisters how to play classical piano. We but my brother played the drums and the violin, and we just there was always music in the house because my dad was a musician, so he was just there, and so he he made sure that we had family meetings every week. He was just very present, and so when he passed away, it was like we grew closer together because of that hole that was now left in the family dynamic and the fabric of our family. And I feel like he would be very proud of the way we stayed together, but it was hard.

SPEAKER_01 24:54

I'm curious. Did you guys and I'm even more curious as like a big family? Did you guys have like family dinners? Would you guys eat as a family for a meal?

SPEAKER_02 25:04

They would have to push the tables together when we go to a restaurant, and it would just be this long, like school table long thing, and then people would just you know walk by and gawking, like, oh my god, and so many kids. And as a child, I thought that was normal, but it I when I got older, I realized it was not normal. That's why people kept staring.

SPEAKER_01 25:25

And now, even when you guys were at home, would you guys eat at together as a family too?

SPEAKER_02 25:30

I don't remember eating together as a family because we didn't have a table big enough for it. My dad would always eat in the front room. I remember the kids ate at the table, and then the older kids were able to eat in a different, like in the living room with my dad. But we never had a table that was big enough for all of us at home.

SPEAKER_01 25:49

That makes sense. I was just curious. That's really awesome that he raised you guys to be so close, you know. After a parent passes, I feel like it can go one of two ways. Like it can either bridge the siblings or like tear them apart, you know? Yeah. I understand and I agree.

Spiritual Consciousness And Stress Research

SPEAKER_02 26:07

We all dealt with the death of my dad in a very different way. And because we were all grieving separately, and it it's kind of hard to explain, but it's like we never really crossed paths in that way. It was always like we were kind of always doing our own things, like trying to make sense of lives until life brought us back together and we were able to really see, like, oh, you were hurting too, or you were hurting too. And so it wasn't until we got older, I would say, that we really got as close as we are now. But as children, we were just confused.

SPEAKER_01 26:41

That makes complete sense. I I want to transition back a tad. You mentioned you were studying spiritual consciousness. I'm very curious what you learned with that.

SPEAKER_02 26:53

So it's an interesting, it's a novel concept right now in public health research. And it's basically the idea that there is an invisible nature to life. So it pulls on a lot of like quantum physics and quantum mechanics, that there's an this invisible nature of life, and we are all connected to this invisible field. And spiritual consciousness is just your level of awareness of this field of energy, field of consciousness. And so it's really the idea that the more you are aware of this invisible nature of life, this spiritual nature of life, the more connected you are to it, and the more you're able to implement these ideas that help you navigate this life experience in a way that is actually serving, self-serving, and community serving. It's a lot, a big concept for a dissertation for a doctorate. So I'm still researching independently now. But living in places like Bali and Thailand, you see it. Because in Balinese culture, spirituality is everything. And they're taught from a young age that they are connected to lines, they are connected to everyone in it, and they're connected to nature. And learning that was helped me see why the society there lives, like it just moves in harmony. Like people are healthy. Like I was I was meeting people who were like in their 70s who looked like they were in their 50s, and people were aging backwards. And it was just like really cool to witness because their environment was so harmonious with nature and with other people and with community. I didn't see people homeless or anything like that. You know, you have people in tourist areas, but at night there was no one sleeping on the street. They're going to, you know, their communities and they lived in family compounds. So it was just really cool to see how knowing that you're connected to lice and knowing that you're connected to this invisible nature of life and how that's implemented in your behavior, how that was impacting health. And that's what I wanted to study.

SPEAKER_01 28:47

I'm curious what the biggest fascinating finding was that you found, like how it impacts health.

Bali Thailand And Life Abroad

SPEAKER_02 28:54

So I studied young adults, people between the ages of like 18 and 25 in the US. When you're studying a dissertation, you want to narrow your population down as tightly as possible, or you'll be there forever. So I had to choose a very narrow population. And I chose certain adults because of everything I was experiencing in young hood adulthood, like anxiety, depression, panic attacks. And I wanted to study that phenomenon of getting to the other side of that, so to speak. And so when I was looking at this group of people, I studied the relationship between perceived stress and health. And it turns out, obviously, that the more stress you experience, the worse your health markers are. Like the more I studied depression, anxiety, and the other side of that was psychological well-being. And so the more stress you have, the higher levels of anxiety, the higher levels of depression. It was an association, it wasn't causation because I didn't do a longitudinal study, I just did a cross-sectional study. But then you have, you know, people who had higher levels of spiritual consciousness. That level, like the higher levels of spiritual consciousness, led to basically, even though they may have experienced high levels of stress, their levels of well-being didn't reflect that. So even though there was a high level of stress, if you have a high level of spiritual consciousness, you didn't have high levels of depression compared to someone who did not have higher levels of spiritual consciousness. So what we were finding was that it was actually a protective factor, it was a moderator for that relationship between stress and health. And so I wanted to know how to teach this. And so that's where I am now. It's like gaining a deeper understanding of how it impacts the population. And then also what are some practical ways we can bring this awareness to the population? And a part of it was things like mindfulness-based stress reduction, looking at study, even. So it's it's a lot of ways to implement it, but it's still again such a novel construct because you don't have a lot of studies on spiritual consciousness, so that's just the reality of it. So we're still learning.

SPEAKER_01 30:55

What made you study this in Bali and Thailand? It was an intuitive move.

SPEAKER_02 31:01

It's gonna sound very, but it's the only way I can explain it because it's the truth. I had a vision of myself living in a jungle my first year, my graduate school of my doctorate, and you know, this was during the pandemic, so everything was online. And so I was just like, okay, I don't know any jungles, but let me do some research. And the first place that showed up was Bali, Indonesia, and I was like, where the heck is Indonesia? So I had to get out a map because I had no, I've never heard of this place before. So it was like the more I started to learn about Bali, the more I started to connect with people who were living there, people from the US. It was just like, of course, it's like the most spiritual place in the entire world. Like Bali actually means island of the gods. So it was just like one of those places where when you arrive, your nervous system just relaxes and life just felt so easy there. And so it was the best semester I ever had. I was doing the least amount of work I was I ever done in my graduate school like experience, but my grades were the best they had ever been. It didn't make any sense to me. But I was healthy, I was I was calm, I was safe, and my my body knew it. And so my work and my performance was better because of it. So and my health was better because of it. So again, it was that whole spiritual consciousness. I was studying it and I was implementing it, and it was this whole concoction of just like, yeah, this is where we are.

SPEAKER_01 32:22

Was it during the pandemic that you went to Valley?

SPEAKER_02 32:25

So I got the vision at the in August of 2020, and then I moved there February 14th, 2021. So I sold everything in my apartment. I sold my car, I sold everything. And I was like, I don't know why, but I have to be there. And I didn't think I was gonna come back, but I did. I came back because you know, classes moved back in person and I wanted to finish my degree. And I knew that if I if I had stayed there, even though my life was I had everything I needed. And I didn't have a need for anything. The cost of living was so low. I was getting by on my salary at the time, and I was just happy. I was at peace. I had community, I had friends, I was I was just living my life, and I was I was okay for the first time in a very long time. But I knew that if I didn't come back and finish my degree, I would, I would have regretted it. And I didn't I could have lived with that.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

How long were you there for? For half a year. Yeah. And then I was like again. When did you go back?

SPEAKER_02 33:28

2023.

SPEAKER_01 33:29

What and what'd you go back for in 2023?

SPEAKER_02 33:32

I just my soul, like I just needed to be there. It's like one of those places that you go and you're like, this is home. And so when I left in 2020, 2021, I was always trying to get back. And so I was doing everything I could to finish classes, and so once I finished classes, I finished in two years, and so I was able to go back and finish my dissertation in Bali, and that was a lot of fun.

SPEAKER_01 33:57

Wow. So you just found Bali Indonesia by looking online for jungles.

SPEAKER_02 34:03

I was looking for the jungle I saw in my vision, and I was like, I don't know any jungles, but let's because in the vision I could see myself living in like this bamboo hut, and I just Googled that. I think I Googled like bamboo huts in the jungle, and Bali showed up. Like, okay, let's and it, you know how when you see something, you're like, Yes, that's the one. It was like that. Like, I just knew that was the place. I know it sounds cool, but it's the truth.

SPEAKER_01 34:31

I believe it. I've been to Bali twice myself, not for like that, but I've been to Bali twice myself. And you know how magical the place is. I do. They went on a retreat there in 2024, and then in 2025, I actually spent a month there getting certified in sound healing. Oh, that's the perfect place to go.

SPEAKER_02 34:52

Which part of the were you in? Bood for most of us. I knew it. That was really cool, too. You know, Ubuntu means medicine in Bali needs.

SPEAKER_01 35:02

Oh, I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_02 35:04

It's the heart of the island.

SPEAKER_01 35:06

That's so amazing that you did that in Bali. And no, it's cool that you were in Bali too, and you don't meet a lot of people because it's it's such a special place. And it it's funny because uh prior to going on the retreat I went on in 2024, I had never heard of it either. Where's Indonesia? I don't know. It's another country, I don't know. Like people had asked me, and I and they're like, You're going to Indonesia, but you don't know where Indonesia? Yeah, look at a map. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 35:35

Yes, it takes a lot of trust, but it's just like when you know you're going, you're just like, I don't know. I will figure it out when we get there.

SPEAKER_01 35:44

I agree with that. I'm curious, have you always had that mindset per se of that trust? It's like you just feel it and you're gonna do it.

SPEAKER_02 35:53

Yeah, I I like because once I have my vision set on something and my body is like, yes, it's very hard to persuade me to do something else. Like, I'm very, I think on the outside it may look stubborn, but I'm not stubborn. I'm just like if I see it and I know it, it's kind of like going to school. Like, even though people are like, you can't go to college, look at where you come from, look at all these things stuck against you. I had already seen myself in the classroom, so I was going. I didn't know how, but I knew I was going. So it's kind of like that. Like once I see it and feel it, I just I know that if I don't try to do it, then I'll regret it. So it's just like everything in me is like, you gotta do this, or it'll just upset my internal world, and I can't live with that.

SPEAKER_01 36:35

I I think that really helps to get things in life like that you want, whatever it is. Like, I'm I'm gonna do whatever it takes. Even if plan A doesn't work, we're gonna try plan B and you're gonna get in the classroom however you have to get in the classroom.

SPEAKER_02 36:51

Yeah, you know what's crazy about that, Amanda? I didn't even have a plan B. I didn't have a plan B for school, I didn't have a plan B for balling. It was it was this or nothing. Like now I'm looking back at that version of myself and I'm like, what the heck were you doing, girl? You were but look there was no plan. So if that didn't work out, I don't know. I really don't know what life would look like because I didn't plan for it. I just knew how to try. Now, did you only study in Bali for that? Oh, I went to Thailand and and Vietnam as well. Okay, but Bali was just it was different.

SPEAKER_01 37:30

I've never been to Thailand or Vietnam, so like oh or really any other country. So it's hard for me to everybody's like, you gotta expand out because I've I've gone to Bali two years in a row now, and I'm like, I'll see you in 2026. Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:46

Try Thailand. Okay. It depends on what you like. If you like more boo style, then I would try the islands in the south of Thailand, like Ko Pipi, Co, but I would say like in the south, in the islands of Thailand, you might like, but Chiang Mai is like the city part of Thailand, it's like the nightlife and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_01 38:05

No, and now you ha what made you go to Thailand and Vietnam?

SPEAKER_02 38:09

How did you he was a world traveler and he had been traveling like 10 years prior, and he's 10 years older than me as well, and he's of all the places, he's German. And I feel like the universe has a sense of humor because putting an American and a German together is like putting together fire and ice. It's crazy. But he he he had been traveling to Thailand a bunch, and he loved Thailand. It's it's a long story, but our paths just crossed when we were both in Bali at the same time, and he was, you know, going to Thailand the following year, and so I went with him instead of going back to Bali. So that's why it took me like a year or two to go back to Bali.

SPEAKER_01 38:50

Were you studying out there or just traveling out there? I was finishing my doctorate, so I was still writing, but it didn't feel like a lot of work.

SPEAKER_02 39:00

Like I was at that point in my dissertation where you have all the pieces you need, you've done the you collected the data, now you're just writing about it. And I mentioned this earlier, but writing always felt like ease for me because it was a coping mechanism that I use whenever I was, you know, dealing with the death of my father. So I was always writing. And so writing my dissertation and being in Thailand and Vietnam was just waking up every day and going to a cafe, writing for a few hours and then walking around the island looking crazy, just doing stuff.

SPEAKER_01 39:32

Oh my gosh. Now, how long were you between Bali, Thailand, Vietnam?

SPEAKER_02 39:37

It was about four and a half years. I miss it. I miss it every day. So that's why being back in the States now, I'm grateful for where I am on my journey, but I know that I won't be able to fully feel like myself until I'm able to travel as freely as I was during that time because I was a different person, you know.

SPEAKER_01 40:00

And how was that transition for you from like being in all these different countries? Like, I just can't even imagine. I feel like it was a big transition for me when I spent a month there in young you spent four and a half years between these three places. How was that transition for you?

SPEAKER_02 40:20

Amanda, I struggled. Like every day was a battle. Every day. And it's it's still to this day. Because I I I graduated in 2024. From May 2024 until now, I haven't been able to really travel. I went back to Germany a couple of times to see my boyfriend and his family, but I hadn't been back to Southeast Asia and it's been difficult because I just miss that way of life. I miss the way it felt in that environment. I just missed that freedom, that safety I felt in my environment. I miss all of it. I do I miss my friends there. I miss everything.

SPEAKER_01 41:00

And now when you first transitioned back, what was the biggest like challenge for you?

SPEAKER_02 41:06

I would say it was everything because I was not in the place where I was, again, I wasn't studying anymore. So that was like a major life changer. So I was graduating, I was starting in the workforce, I was now not traveling, my relationship was now going through these different challenges because we're living in two different places now. So all of these big life changes were happening all at once. And so I was living with my sister at the time as I was transitioning from being a student to work. It was so difficult. But what happened in that space was this kind of identity shift, this death and rebirth that happened. Because now I had to face the part of me that I was running away from for those 11 years being in school. And now I had to really come to terms with what I really wanted out of life. Because I was told to go to school, get good grades, get a good job, and you'll be happy. But when you achieve that dream, that American dream, and you realize, oh wait, I'm very not happy. I actually feel quite empty inside. And now you have to face that part of you. It was just like, okay, now I have nowhere to run. So it was like dealing with that shadow aspect of my journey. So that was hard. But again, now being on the other side of it is like, and you're always on your journey, you're always, you know, going through levels of healing. But it's like I see life from a different perspective now because I'm not running anymore. And that feels different, that energy feels different, you know.

SPEAKER_01 42:30

That makes a lot of sense. I'm curious, did anything help you like ground in in the midst of that?

SPEAKER_02 42:38

I was on YouTube and I was listening to people talk about their journey of going through their own town moment and going through their own time of things falling away and what's being rebuilt. And so I found kind of that community that I had in Bali through online spaces. I ended up connecting with someone. He had just finished his doctorate and he was going through the exact same transition I was going through. We actually met earlier today for like a coffee chat online. And it was just like cool because like online space kind of became this healing legality for me to still feel connected. It also helped to have my sisters there. Again, this was my first time ever being around my family in this capacity because when you're in college, everything is going towards your degree. Like, if I would go home for the holidays, if I even had that time to go home, I was still working, I was still writing. So I wasn't fully present with my family. But this was the first time where I had no distractions. And so I got to see my nieces and nephews growing up, and I saw how my siblings had taken what had happened to us as children, and they had given their children a better chance at life. And it was just like even talking about it now makes me want to cry. But I was watching my family be okay, and that was so healing. Oh, I was so worried that you guys were not okay because I wasn't okay. You guys are doing fine. And so that was healing for me, was just having my family having a support system and talking to people online who were going through similar things that I was going through. That helped the most.

SPEAKER_01 44:11

That makes a lot of sense. Like hearing people going through similar things to realizing a lot of us experience. Experience, even if not the same thing, like very similar things and similar feelings, you know?

SPEAKER_02 44:27

Yeah, that's why I love doing podcasts, because it's like I get to show up in a way to where I'm hopefully doing for others what someone else did for me, which is reflect back to me my own humanity. And that helped a lot.

SPEAKER_01 44:45

Yeah, I completely agree. I'm curious. I ask most of the guests this what would you consider the biggest aha moment you've had in your life?

SPEAKER_02 44:56

The first one that comes up is realizing that I wasn't my degree. It was like, okay, so what you're saying here is that this thing that I've been working so hard for is not really who I am. It's a tool. It's almost like recognizing, like, oh, this tool that I have in my hand is not attached to me. It's just something I have in my hand that I'm using to build. So that separation from my degree, from my sense of self-worth from my degree is what really helped me have a better college experience. I spent 11 years in school. In eight of those 11 years, I was in dealing with anxiety and burnout and stress. It wasn't until the last couple of years of my college experience that I was actually enjoying it. Because I was like, oh, this degree isn't me. It's a tool. So there was no pressure. And I did better because of that pressure was gone. So that was the first big ha moment. I would say the second one was just recognizing the importance of community, that we heal best in community. Isolation serves its place, but true healing happens when we're able to have someone hold up the mirror as we adjust ourselves. And my boyfriend did that for me. My family did that for me. People online who were sharing their stories, they did that for me. And I experienced the most growth when I allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to be seen. And that was very difficult to do when you're always someone who tried to do everything by yourselves. But it was very healing at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 46:24

I think so many of us are attached like it ourselves and our identity to either the the degree or the job, you know, and we make it almost like it is us.

SPEAKER_02 46:36

It's not.

SPEAKER_01 46:38

It's powerful that you had that shift.

Fast Questions And Final Takeaways

SPEAKER_02 46:42

I think it happened because I was struggling so much with that identity of being my degree. And it was causing me so much pain. That split happened because I was like, if this is me, then I'm not gonna make it because I sell the class. And then I was like, well, if I sell this class, does that make me a failure? But it doesn't, like you said, we're not our degree, we're not our jobs, and so those things are just things that we do, and they have a place. I'm grateful for the degrees, I'm grateful for the the work experience, but I could be doing anything, but what matters most is who I am in that process. And anything I do, I hope that it's from the heart and not just from this performative type of energy, which took me a long time to transmute. It really did.

SPEAKER_01 47:32

I I get that completely. Well, thank you so much, Crystal. I really appreciate it. I enjoyed our conversation. Me too. You're very easy to talk to. Thank you. Thank you. Have you heard of a man named Jay Shetty?

SPEAKER_02 47:48

I love Jay Shetty.

SPEAKER_01 47:50

I figured you would have. I'm a big fan. But he's got a podcast called On Purpose, and he ends it with two segments, and I end mine with those two segments as well. First, first segment is the many sides to us, and there's five questions, and they need to be answered in one word each. What is one word someone who is meeting you for the first time would use to describe you as inspiring? What is one word someone who knows you extremely well would use to describe you? Sensitive. What is one word you'd use to describe yourself? Crescent. What is one word that if someone didn't like you or agree with your mindset would use to describe you? Delusional. What is one word you're trying to embody right now? Integrity. Second segment is the final five, and these can be answered in a sentence. What is the best advice you've heard or received? Follow your dreams. Why is that the best?

SPEAKER_02 49:07

Because I feel that the vision that we have for our lives is the blueprint for how we're supposed to show up in this world.

SPEAKER_01 49:14

What is the worst advice you've heard or received?

SPEAKER_02 49:22

I would say the worst advice would be This is hard because it never followed it, I kind of dubbed it when I heard it. The worst advice would be to stay in a situation that compromises your nervous system. Why is that the worst? Because if your body is saying, I don't feel safe here, why won't you listen to it? And put it in a place that it can actually thrive.

SPEAKER_01 49:51

I agree with that. What is something you used to value that you no longer value?

SPEAKER_02 49:58

Achievements. Yeah, I don't value them as much anymore. Why? I think that focusing on achievements as a sense of value leads you down a road of constantly being on a hamster wheel. And I feel like you can impact more people and more lives if you're focusing on fulfillment, starting with yourself.

SPEAKER_01 50:27

If you could describe what you would want your legacy to be, as if someone was reading it, what would you want it to say? She was a lighthouse for many. If you could create one law in the world that everyone had to follow, what would it be? And I want to know why.

SPEAKER_02 50:50

It would be know thyself. Because self-awareness is the beginning stages of healing ourselves and healing the world. And I feel like we would be a lot happier if we operated in a world that was healthy.

SPEAKER_01 51:07

Thank you so much for speaking with me. I really appreciate it. Thank you, Amanda.

SPEAKER_02 51:11

I'm grateful that you brought me on because it's so easy to talk to you. I was able to hear certain things I didn't know was in there.

SPEAKER_01 51:19

Thank you. Now, I just like to give it back to the guest. Any final words of wisdom you want to share with the listeners?

SPEAKER_02 51:27

I would just say that becoming aware of the fact that everyone's on their own journey of self-discovery helps so much. Because even though it may look like certain people have everything figured out, we're still all discovering. We're still on that journey into the unknown, even me.

SPEAKER_01 51:44

Well, thank you so much, Christopher. And I will link that your website in the show notes, but are you active on social media anywhere if people want to connect with you? Yeah, so I got a TikTok in November and I've been growing.

Closing Encouragement And Review Ask

SPEAKER_02 52:00

I haven't looked what the kids do because I study young adult mental health. I've lived Amanda. I am I'm turning 31 next month. I am 29, but that's young. It's young, but it's also like when you realize they're like 18-year-olds, and you're just like, what the heck, bro? Like they look so young to me. I understand that. So what is the what is your TikTok? Crystal T Harel PhD. Or you can just search Dr. Crystal and it'll show up.

SPEAKER_01 52:33

I will link that in the show notes as well. Thank you so much. I really enjoyed this. Me too, Amanda. Thank you. And thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of Amanda's mindset. In case no one told you today, I'm proud of you. I'm voting for you. And you got this. As always, if you enjoyed the show, I would really appreciate it if you would leave me a five-star rating, leave a review, and share with anyone you think would benefit from that. And don't forget, you are only one mindset shift away from shifting your late. Thanks guys, until next time.