How to Calm Your Mind & Stop Overthinking | Nikki Gangemi | 191

What if the constant mental noise, overthinking, and self-doubt many people experience isn’t something they have to live with forever?

In this insightful episode of Manders Mindset, host Amanda Russo sits down with NLP practitioner, hypnotherapist, and founder of Mindful Matters LLC, Nikki Gangemi. After pivoting from a career in acting to 15 years in teaching before becoming an entrepreneur, Nikki shares the personal journey that led her to help others break free from limiting patterns and reclaim control of their mindset.

Together, Amanda and Nikki explore the impact of negative thought patterns, the power of mindfulness, and the importance of learning how to calm the mind in moments of stress and uncertainty. Nikki also shares the story behind her CALM Method, a practical framework designed to help people manage emotions, quiet mental noise, and make empowered decisions. At its core, this conversation highlights how greater self-awareness, curiosity, and compassion can create lasting transformation.

💡 In this episode, listeners will discover:

🧠 How overthinking and self-doubt can shape everyday decisions
 🌿 The role mindfulness plays in calming the nervous system
 🔑 Nikki’s CALM Method for managing thoughts and emotions
 💭 Why asking better questions can unlock deeper self-awareness
 ✨ How limiting beliefs form and how they can be reframed
 🪶 The power of self-forgiveness in personal growth
 🦅 The “eagle mindset” metaphor for rising above criticism and noise

⏰ Timeline Summary

[2:30] Nikki’s childhood, creativity, and early struggles with overthinking
 [9:40] Moving to Los Angeles to pursue acting and the mindset challenges that followed
 [18:20] Fifteen years in teaching and the inner pull toward something more
 [27:10] The creation of Mindful Matters and working with mindfulness in schools
 [38:00] Discovering mindfulness, EFT tapping, and emotional healing
 [48:40] The CALM Method: a simple framework to quiet mental noise
 [58:15] The eagle metaphor and learning to rise above criticism

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To Connect with Nikki:

Website: https://nikkigangemi.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mindfulmattersllc/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mindfulmattersliving

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Manders Mindset Podcast. Here you'll find both monologues and interviews of entrepreneurs, coaches, healers, and a variety of other people, where your host, Amanda Roosevelt, will discuss her own mindset and perspective, and her guest mindset and perspective on the world around us. Manders and her guests will help explain to you how shifting your mindset will shift your life.

Early Life, Rules, And Losing Playfulness

Acting As Escape And The LA Pivot

One-Year Deadline And Self-Doubt Spiral

Choosing Teaching And Quiet Misalignment

Anxiety Signals And Staying For Stability

Bloom Where You’re Planted Moment

Creating Mindful Matters For Kids

Program Shut Down And Thinking Bigger

Discovering Coaching And Resigning

How Mindfulness Entered Her Life

EFT, Self-Forgiveness, And Control

Asking Better Questions For Clarity

Identity Threads And Reframing Teaching

The CALM Method Origin Story

CALM Steps And Practical Use

Advice To Younger Self And Alignment

Take Action When It Feels Right

Biggest Aha On A Plane

Eagle And Crow: Rise Above Noise

SPEAKER_01 0:29

Welcome to Manders Mindset, where we explore the power of shifting your mindset to shift your life. I'm your host, Amanda Rita, and I'm here today with Nikki D. She is a board certified master NLP practitioner, hypnotherapist, and the founder of Mindful Matters LLC. After pivoting from an actress to a teacher to an entrepreneur, she now helps high-achieving professionals overcome self-doubt, stop overthinking, and break free from limiting patterns so they can show up and in control of their lives. And I am so excited to speak with Nikki today. Thank you so much for joining me. You're welcome, Amanda. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to have this conversation. Absolutely. So who would you say Nikki is at the core? Oh, good question. Nikki at the core has developed into a kind, caring, loving, and newly playful person. Not who Nikki has always been. But I would say at the core, I really just care about about how we show up in life and how a big difference that we can make in people's lives. That's beautiful. I love how you mentioned newly playful. So you won't always playful. You know what? I was I used to when I was a kid, I would get in trouble for maybe speaking up or being silly, or I was told things like, well, you know, if you laugh too much, you'll be crying by the end of the night. So over the years, I got a little stiff and rigid. And I would be very serious and things like that. So I was almost just kind of subconsciously afraid to have too much fun. Of course. And it would sound a little crazy. But yeah, it's a new thing for me to let myself lighten up, have a little fun, and be okay with it, no matter what the consequences. Can you take us down memory lane a little bit? Tell us more about the upbringing, about your childhood. Yeah, I had a really nice childhood. I grew up in a middle class family, two parents. My dad worked very hard to give us everything we wanted. My mom, so Kara was the oldest of four. So there were four of us. Being the oldest of four and a female. There was some a lot of restrictions, you know. First-time parents, you want to protect your baby girl. So there was a lot of rules, and I kind of felt like there was like a short leash. I wasn't allowed to do much. By the time my mom got to, you know, she had a boy and then a boy, and then my sister, fourth one, my sister got to do a lot of things that I didn't get to do. And I feel like she had a lot more freedom. But you know, it was a good family. We got everything that we wanted. It was just going on one vacation a year and Christmas with lots of presents. And we always were involved in something. For me, it was always acting and piano lessons and singing and dancing. And my siblings, yes, my mom. She was a part-time taxi driver because she would just shuffle us around to wherever we were going. So I would say I had it pretty good growing up. You mentioned acting. So were you young when you got involved in acting? I was. It was always something that I was so interested in because I got to be somebody else. I got to pretend to be somebody else. And I was always, when I was a kid, struggled with negative thoughts and a lot of overthinking. And I had some OCD tendencies where I would think a lot of negative thoughts. And so it didn't feel comfortable, you know, in my own body. And so when I would act, be somebody else. And there was a lot of relief. I loved it, and I love doing comedy, especially, and you know, being funny. And I did it throughout middle school, high school, college. I did community theater. And then when I was 23, I decided that I was going to move out to LA and go after the big dream. It was a five-year relationship. I was my third first boyfriend. We dated five years. And when he broke up with me, I didn't know who I was without him. And I mean, we had spent seven days together, you know, every single day of the week. So I was like, oh God, now what do I do? And then it was like, oh, plan to pursue that acting career. So moved across to LA, had my car ship, and I gave myself one year to make it. And then I made the decision that I didn't have what it took, I wasn't good enough, and I basically just didn't believe in myself. And I came back home one year later, and then I settled into the next act, which was teaching, being an elementary school teacher. Can I interrupt you a quick why did you why did you give yourself one year for acting? I gave myself one year. Well, that was the lease. I had found a roommate in an online newspaper, and I had my mom's cousin who lived out there. He checked her out for me and checked out the place, and I moved in, and we weren't going to be able to continue to live in the same under the same roof for another year. So I had a couple of things. The lease was up. She was going to be moving to San Diego, back home with her parents. I knew I had to find another place. At the time, I was a very different person. I was very dependent. I mean, for me to move across the country and was a big deal. You know, first time paying the bills, going food shopping, doing the laundry, having to work to keep that roof over my head. So it was like, I think I just I miss my family and I want to go home. It was just a little uncomfortable for me. And I was telling myself, like, I'll never make it. It's just not going to happen. And totally not true, by the way. I know that in hindsight, but at the time, you know, that's what I told myself. And I remember I was doing some extra work on the set of the show City of Angels. And, you know, you hang around a lot as an extra on the set, just hanging around waiting for them to need you. And all of us extras were sitting in chairs in a circle. And I remember this guy saying to me, If acting isn't the air that you breathe, then go home. Because there's people coming in by the busloads every day who want it so much more. And I am a literal person. And I took that very literally, and I thought, this is not the air that I breathe. Maybe I don't want this, you know. And then that whole self-talk kicked in. I'm not gonna make it anyway, I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, this, that, all the things. And I said, I'll just go back home. It just felt easier at the time, honestly. But when I did that at the time, a part of me felt like it died on the inside because I gave up on myself. And then I just kind of pushed that away and you know, just well now made the decision. And I wanted nothing to do with acting after that. Because at the time I was very much an all or nothing person. People would say, Oh, you could do it as a hobby, you could teach. Yeah, I said, no, we're starting again. We're gonna just do something totally different. I wanted all or nothing at that time. And now, how old were you when you first moved to LA? I was 23 following that five-year breakup. And then, yeah, so when I moved home, I was 24, and I wanted to major in theater when I was in college. And my mom was like, you know, you can't major in theater, you have to major in something you can make money in. And I was like, I don't know, I don't know what else I want to do. So she said, Well, you always need to communicate, get a public communications culture of art. So that's what I did. Well, I had that degree and I still didn't know what to do with it. And my best friend had said, you know, there's something called the alternate route for teachers, so we can take the state exam and then get fired at a teacher, and then go this alternate route and learn on the job. And I said, no, no, no. And then one day I finally said, Oh, okay. And we both take the state exam, I pass, she fails. I become a teacher, she doesn't. And then I just went through the motions. Just showed up every day, I did my job. You know how time flies, the years go by fast, and I ended up staying for 15 years. No. What made you decide to take the exam? You you mentioned you didn't take it at first. Didn't yeah, so what it was, I didn't know what else to do. When I came back home at 24, I my brother was getting married. So I was the only out one out of four who left the house. When I moved back home, my room was gone. My bedroom. Because my brothers had shared a bedroom. And when I came home, he was getting married, and his wife was moving into the house. So I had to go upstairs and share a bedroom with my sister. And I was working, I went back to waitressing, and I was like, I've got to do something with my life. I just didn't feel good about myself. I was like, I can't just waitress for the rest of my life. It just wasn't the right decision for me. I had gotten one admin job at like an advertising company, and they let me go after a few weeks because I couldn't do an Excel sheet. I just couldn't do the responsibilities. And I was like, I just I'm getting older, you know, I've got to do something. I was gonna be turning 25. So when my friend said that, and she had, you know, got asked and she was, come on, we'll have summers off. And then I had my family saying, Oh, you come from a family of teachers, it's such a rewarding career. And I just finally said, again, it was easier to just say yes because I didn't like the other option. So I want to get a job, I want to make good money, I want to move out, be on my own. Now, had any part of you ever previously, whether during acting or before acting, ever considered teaching of any sort? No. In my fifth grade yearbook under my name for what you want to be, it's that hairdresser. I could which is what my mom is. So I never wanted to, and as a matter of fact, I felt I mean, adamant is the word that comes to mind. I know it's a little strong, but I felt adamant about not teaching. And I think it was mostly because people wanted me to, and I didn't, and it was more like, no, I want to do what I want to do, you know, and then eventually it was like I don't know what else to do. All right, this sounds stable, you know, and could uh have the pension and the benefits, and so I did it, but I'll tell you this that first year I remember sitting on the beach in August, because school starts in September here, and for the first time I experienced feeling anxiety like in my body, like I was shaking, I felt like a tugging, this tugging ceiling in my rib cage, and I'm like, what is this? And I never felt that before, and to me, what that meant was I was just going in the wrong direction for me, and I knew it deep down inside, but I I did it anyway. It was just something that I thought, you know. Like interesting, I've never felt like this before until now. But I did it, and I'm the kind of person where anything that I do, I do it well. So I showed up, I did the job, I but inside I was not fulfilled. And I felt bad for not feeling fulfilled because society says it's a rewarding career. You're helping children, and and so I felt bad to feel like not miserable. Now, what grade were you teaching when you started teaching? I started teaching second grade, and then I ended up doing kindergarten. I did a couple years in third grade, and then I went back to kindergarten. And my very last year, I was it was interesting. I hadn't changed schools at the end, and I ended up teaching in the same classroom in the same school, second grade, when I started as like a long-term stud before I got my first teaching job. So it was kind of like I I came full circle. It was interesting to be in that room. That's where I started, and that's where I ended. Now, you mentioned you had this anxiety feeling and you were miserable, but 15 years is a long time. What what made you stay for so long? I didn't think I had any other options. I kept telling myself, I've gotta be responsible. You know, I I have this semi-paycheck, I have the pension, I have the benefits. Um about how many years in? It was may I trying to think now, maybe about 10 or 12 years in, I bought a condo. So now I had a mortgage to pay. And it was like, you know, I just kind of thought I gotta do the responsible thing I've gotta say. And I was telling myself, I know I'll wait until I get married because then there will be another income. Well, I'm gonna wait for the guy, I'm gonna get married, and then I can leave the job. And then I started noticing the guy isn't arriving, and I might have to take the reins and and use this method. So, about 12 years into the job, I was complaining one day. I ran into a coworker in a parking lot at the coffee shop, and we started talking, and I was complaining yet again. And he said, Nikki, instead of complaining, why don't you bloom where you're planted? And so I felt something inside. Like I knew this was something important, but I didn't know what it meant. So I just kind of put it on the back burner, and then a couple of months later, I meet who I think is the man of my dreams. I meet him on plenty of fish, the dating app. And I was like, oh god, he is perfect, he's who I've been looking for. And then I learned very quickly that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, and he was a reason in a very short season. While we were dating, he had said to me one day, if there's something that you want to do, you pave the way. You don't wait for opportunity to come to you. So if you want to speak, speak in your living room. And I had this idea that I wanted to start this mindfulness program for kids because I was teaching in the same district that I was a student in. And I saw all the bullying still happening and the exclusion. I saw the kids getting upset and feeling bad about themselves, and that was me. And I let that I allowed that to hold me back well into my adulthood. And I thought to myself, I could teach them how to change their thoughts, I could teach them how to love themselves, feel good about themselves, and manage those emotions. So mindful matters was originally a mindfulness program for kids. When he when that guy said to me, Pave the way, Bloomer Planted came back up to my consciousness, and I thought, oh, mindful matters. And so I presented it to the principal, and he let me pilot the program, and I did it for a year. I basically did a 10-week cycle and I worked with a few different grade levels before school early in the morning a few times a week, and I taught them different tools for managing their thoughts and their emotions, and I felt like I came alive again for the first time since I had been home from LA, and I thought I found something that I really love to do. And shortly after that, the district shut the program down and said, you can't do this anymore. And I got upset quickly, but then I realized, okay, I'm gonna think bigger this time. Instead of giving up like I did back in LA, what can this look like? And that's where I attracted a business coach, and she had said to me, You could help adults. She told me about the coaching and life coaching industry I didn't even know about. And she said, Why don't you go from kids to adults and from local to global and you can help adults transform their mindset? Or I was like, That sounds amazing. So I hired her. I put on a summit, unlock your hidden potential, grew an email list, and she goes, Now you're gonna coach. I'm like, I'm gonna what? I don't know how to do that. So then I went and started getting my coaching certifications. And two years later I resigned from the teaching job. It was 2019. I was turning 40, and I had this epiphany one day getting ready for work. I just thought to myself, what if another 10 years goes by and I'm turning 50 and I'm still unhappy in this job? You know? So I said, I'm gonna take a leap of faith and I'm gonna resign and figure it out. And that's what I did. No, I wanna backtrack it, Dad. How old were you approximately when you mentioned this idea of bringing this to the kids to the principal? That was in 2016, and I was 40 in 2019, so I was like 37. And you had been there for a little over 10 years at that point. Yeah, because I started in 2004, and what gave you the codes? Did you have any fear asking the principal of bringing this up to him? I was excited to bring it up to him. The program Yeah, I was excited, yeah, because I thought we need it, like, you know, I mean, this is still going on. How many years later? And you know, we have to do something about it. I mean, there was a character ed program, but they got that once a month. I'm like, well, once a month, I need to be every day, at least a couple times a week. I said, treat it like you know, physic, music, art. This needs to be a part of the curriculum. So that didn't happen at the time, but at least they let me pilot it for the idea that I did. That's so cool that it was the school. I know you didn't enjoy it, but that it was the school that you grew up attending, like the district, that you got to have some, even if it was a little bit of a say, like implementing this program, even if it wasn't long, like I didn't think of that before. That is so cool. Cool, that is really cool. You know, even if it didn't stay, like it may have impacted, even if it was one kid, you know, like if you did it implement it, you know. Yeah, no, thank you for sending. Matt, because I've never considered that before. I I know it's it sucks and it's unfortunate that like it didn't continue out, but like you ne it might have helped. You never know. Well, yeah, I've got great feedback from the kids. I'm sure. I'm sure. And that's cool, even for you, like internally, you know, like the school district that you were a part of, even though you didn't enjoy this profession, getting to see that come full so co like that is that's nice. Thank you for saying that. That is nice. How about how long did that program go on for, if you remember? I'm just curious. It was almost the year. I did three 10-week cycles. So I I did it in like a 10-week cycle. And I ran it three times. I did it with second grade because that was when I was teaching. And then I did it with I did like a mix of third and fourth grade together. That's amazing. Yeah, and then it was interesting. I had I did a workshop for the parents just before spring break that we were having, and the assistant superintendent came to it and she sat in on it, and I did the workshop because I wanted to teach and show the parents the tools too, so they can continue the work at home. That way we can work together. Otherwise, I'm showing them one way and then they go home and it's different. Like for continuity. And at the end of the workshop, I had said to the assistant superintendent, I said, This is like the fourth R, you know, reading, writing, arithmetic, and reflection. Like, this needs to be in the curriculum. This is just as important. And she just smiled and nodded her head. And then we went on spring break for a week and come back. I get called into the principal's office and I go, God, what did I do? The principal said, You need to watch what you say to administration. What Mrs. So-and-so heard was that you think emotions are more important than reading. And you don't belong in the testing year. She wants you down in preschool. I said, Well, I'm not certified for preschool. Kindergarten was the lowest. So he goes, Well, then I'm gonna have to move you back to kindergarten. And I got moved down to kindergarten, and she goes, and you can't do the program anymore. So I said, Okay, like I said, I got upset initially, but then I thought about it. And she even talked to me that principal. We had I had a different principal at that time than when I had started the program. And she said, Whoa, this is just one no. She goes, I was one of the youngest women to become a principal. You know how many times I was told no because of my age? She goes, like 37 times. And then I got a yes. So she goes, keep going for the yes. You love this, this isn't foreign. Find a way to do it. And I just really love that she said that to me. I think it was part of what helped me to think bigger. So yeah. Keep going for the yes. Mm-hmm. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Keep going, yeah, and you know, I didn't become a yes for a school. I just I don't know how to say it. It's like I'm not the kind of person who's going to rally and punch and fight for something. I want to just go where the energy is aligned. So I didn't want to push to get this into school systems. And honestly, I was getting a little bit depleted after having worked so long with kids. I started working with kids when I was 12. 12 years old. I worked for my neighbor who owned the home daycare, and I worked for five years for her. So I went with I've worked with kids a lot, and I said, What? How else can I help? And that's where it was interesting. I didn't know what to do. And I saw that on Facebook somebody was doing a five-day clarity challenge. And I said, Oh, I need clarity. I'm gonna take this. And I did the challenge, I did the homework. I'm such a good student, you know, and I submitted the homework and I won a call with her. Get on the call, and that's when she told me about life coaching. And she's like, You can run a summit, and you can interview 25 speakers, leaders, and row a list, and that's how it all started. So I didn't keep going for a yes in school district that I was in, but I just thought, how how can this look differently? And then life opened up. Wow. I love that. I love that. Now I'm curious. When did mindfulness first and enter your life? Oh, mindfulness entered my life when I was working with a therapist. I had been in and out of therapy for about 15 years in my life, and like I said, I struggled with the negative thinking. I found this therapist who used emotional freedom technique, tapping. And she was the one who introduced me to breathing, like two different breathing techniques and and EFT, and then I found this place in Massachusetts actually, Kra Kraipalu Yoga Retreat Center, and I started getting into yoga, and I was like, wow, for the first time in my life, the thought slowed down, and there was this gap in between, and I could breathe for the first time. I didn't realize I wasn't breathing. Like, of course I was breathing, I was alive, but you know what I mean? It was like, oh wow, it just felt so like my nervous system calmed down. And I say, mindfulness was my ticket to mental freedom. Because prior to that, I mean, I got a prescription for an anti-pressant, I think it was, or an anti-anxiety medication. I took it once, I had a bad reaction, and I said, you know, I don't want to take this, but just not for me. Like that, I have to find another way, another way to feel good. I attracted that therapist who did an alternative kind of therapy, and I I it was right for me. So that's how I first started getting into mindfulness. How long ago is that about? Well, it was a couple of years before I started the program. Yeah, so I was in my maybe early 30s, early to mid 30s. Yeah. And my doctor, yeah, I was seeing my doctor. She had given me the anti-whatever it was depressant, I think. I took one pill, I had not a good reaction to it. And she's like, you gotta just give it too weak, just get used to this. And I thought to myself, You want me to get you to feel like this? I don't think so. I do not want to acclimate to this field like and then she said, I know this woman, she's a psychotherapist, I think you're really gonna like her. And so she sent me to her and and loved her, and that's when she taught me those different mindfulness practices. The EFT was such a game changer for me. What would you say EFT hoped you with the most? Forgiving myself. I, you know, I didn't share this earlier when we talked about growing up, and I was the oldest of four. I said that, and there came a point when I was about maybe 12 years old, 13 years old, that I'd stopped talking to my brother. My brother that comes right after me. And he thought we were like 20 months apart. And I didn't talk with him. I didn't have a relationship with him for 13 years. We just I wouldn't, I couldn't, I don't want him to be within five feet of me. I just it was terrible, and I didn't understand why I behave so terribly like years later. It wasn't until I was living in California when I'd call home, and one day he picked up the phone and he said, Hi, how are you? And I said, I'm good, how are you? And he's like, Good. And then I'm like, Where's mommy? And yeah, he put her on the phone and we talked, and I didn't think anything about it. The next day I'm in my acting class, and the assignment was you're gonna get up there on the stage and you're gonna do an I remember when monologue. So I'm like, okay, what am I gonna do now? I remember when I was gonna talk about I remember when I was home visiting New Jersey and I was standing by the ocean with my dad, and then suddenly it just hit me that those are the first words my brother and I said to each other in almost 13 years, how are you? And I was just like, I'm just gonna get up there and talk about that. So I got up and I said, I remember when I decided to cut my brother out of my life. And I just told the entire story on the stage and sobbed. And when I came home, he was getting married. Small wedding in the backyard with the mayor. And it came time to congratulate. Now they get married, kiss the bride, and it was a big deal for me to put my hand out and shake his hand because I would never even get within five feet of him. And when I went to go put my hand out and shake his hand, he pulled me in for a hog. And it was like he forgave me. I thought, in that moment. But I couldn't forgive myself because I thought, what a horrible human being to act like that. To treat family worse than you would treat a stranger on this on the street. And I hated myself. And I really believed that I just punished myself throughout my life because of that. Not re- not consciously, subconsciously. And kept myself apart from being happy and having the things that I wanted. So when I was doing tapping with my therap my therapist, that came up. And I was like, oh my god, I feel like I can begin to forgive myself. And that happened pretty quickly. But if you mentioned the tapping. So that's why I say for me it was so powerful. And then I kept using it for other things. Wow, that's amazing that it helped you with that. It it helped me to see, and it wasn't just that, you know, it's never just one thing, right? We have these different breadcrumbs in our lives. Around the same time, I was reading the book Calling in the One, and it was like a workbook style book. Catherine Woodward Thomas, I believe the author is. And it's exercise-based. So you're doing all these exercises, and I'm going through the work, and as I'm answering some of the questions, I could remember the day I made the decision to stop speaking to my brother. It just came right back to me. It was, Amanda, it was a decision I made. I literally remember getting out of my bed one night. Everybody was asleep, and I opened up his door, and I sat on the edge of his bed, and he was holding his teddy bear nickels. And I picked up his hand and I just held his hand. And I just made the decision. I'm never gonna not gonna speak to him anymore. Or have him be within five feet from me ever again, and I was just saying goodbye. And then I put his hand down, I went back to bed, and the very next day I started that behavior. Step away, don't look at me. And I didn't know why I did it, but what I found out was I was trying in my own way to feel a sense of control. Because at that time I was getting picked on and bullied so much in school that I felt like I had no control at all. And my mind found a way to feel in control, and my whole family followed. Eventually, they got used to it. We'd go out to dinner, and they would know Mickey and Joe don't sit next to each other. Somebody has to sit between them. And I was able to get that sense of control. I didn't do it in a good way. We don't ever do it in a good way when it's subconscious. But when I realized that that's why I did that, I was just a 12 or a 13-year-old girl that didn't know a better way to feel some sense of control. And that was the way I found to do it. And that helped me to forgive myself even more when I realized that. That that's a deep realization you had there. Very deep. It's very deep. And my details could be very different from a lot of people. But what I see between my own story that I just shared and the people I work with, a lot of times what people label as the problem that they're having, it's sometimes something like that, a control issue, and not the issue that they think it is. That was a big learning for me because it's like deal with the control issue first. How do you think people can identify like what it is they're trying to control? I think listening to podcasts like this, just the conversation about it and the awareness, but it's something that people wouldn't just think. You know, I I didn't think of it either at first. I was my late 30s or yeah, my late 30s when I realized that. I think getting curious and asking yourself questions, you know, like for what purpose am I doing this? Right? Instead of like, why am I doing so with my example with my brother, like for what purpose am I doing this? Well, I want to feel like I have safe. I want to feel like I'm in charge. Like that question right there, I think, could led me to that. Instead of just, you know, saying to yourself, Well, I really shouldn't do this, this is not nice. To me, those are just like dead end statements, they don't lead you anywhere. And if you can just turn statements like that into questions, like just being curious about it, and you ask the question and then you just sit with it, like be quiet and be still. I think when you're ready, the answer is there. That makes a lot of sense. No, you've gone through a big, a big oak with these three different journeys, you know, from acting to teaching to now running your own business. I'm so curious what part of your identity you would say still exists with you today? Oh, what part of my identity is still here? I think there's still a little bit of the people pleasing and the perfectionist. I've come a long way. That's still there. I think there's still a little bit of the rule follower and you know, afraid to do it wrong, get it wrong. Big improvement, but you know, I'm gonna be honest. I think there's little glimmers where I've got to challenge myself. What interesting, I'll share this because it's so recent. I became a trainer of what I did of NLP and hypnotherapy. And I became a trainer because I thought I want to be able to train people in the calm method that I created. As I was getting the certification, I found out that's not an option. So I thought, oh, I did this for nothing. Why did I do this? I don't want to eat, I don't want to train others and certify them. Meant too similar to what I walked away from. I just met all this money and time. And I just did nothing with it for two years. And then my friend who went through the program, she started her training company, Mind Oasis, and she said, I'm looking to grow, and I need a team for that. And I would love for you to come out and just try it. I know you don't want to teach, but just try this. Well, I'm like, all right, okay, it's harmless to go out and try and get paid to do it. So I went out to Atlanta last month, and I had my first opportunity to get up there and teach a segment to the students. And I shocked myself at how pleasant the experience was and how it felt so natural. I just felt like I was in my element, and I said, I love this. And she's like, I'm so glad. So I said yes to the opportunity. So now I'll also be training starting next year in 2026. I'll be certifying other practitioners. And I realized that I always I know our words are so important, right? I used to say I don't like teaching, I hate teaching. Like those were my words, and they were not true. Because I realized that I am a teacher. I even teach facilitate, right? Facilitate, guide. I do that with my clients, and now I get to do it as I train other practitioners and go out into the world and help change other people's lives. So it was such a powerful reframe for me to just realize I do love teaching. I love teaching this, right? It's different. I'm not teaching math and reading and science and social studies. Right. But it was just such a huge uh uh awakening for me to say, wow, I gotta really watch my words that I say. I think that is so true for all of us, you know, and I think that even shows like the multiple meanings of like teaching that could be it doesn't necessarily mean just a teacher, you know what I mean? That's such a powerful viewframe. Even though you're also teaching, it's a completely different aspect. Even though I haven't done any, it's still a completely different aspect of quote unquote teaching. So I I was blown away, Amanda went and she goes, When did you know? And I said, right after I taught the swish pattern. I I taught this technique, and I knew as soon as I taught it, I'm I felt like I came alive up there, and I felt like I had been doing it for years. And I go, of course, I've taught for 15 years. I do it for doesn't matter the content that I'm teaching, right? I mean, it matters, right? Because I want to teach something that I love and that I enjoy. But that was just so huge for me. And now, honestly, it's gonna sound a little strange, but I want to say it that I feel like since I left my teaching job in 2019, that these past six years, that it's almost like I've been denying a part of myself, saying I didn't like, and even before that, because I was saying it almost the whole time. And I was kind of yeah, shutting a part of me down, which does have consequences, right? I'm pushing away a lot from my life. So now I'm so excited because now I'm saying, oh, now what's gonna open up for me? Now that I'm embracing myself and who I am, I'm expecting the husband to arrive. That's what's the next manifestation. I love that. I'd love if we could backtrack a chat. No, you mentioned that wanting to be able to train and then you weren't gonna be able to use your calm method. Can you tell us what this calm method is? Yes, yes, I'd love to. Thank you. So the calm method, back in well, about five years ago, I was asked to do a money mindset training for a jewelry company. And two days before the workshop, it was March 2020, the woman who hired me called me up and said, This is no longer appropriate. The world had just shut down. She goes, We can't talk about money mindset. Can you please just help us with our emotions? Help us just feel better. Because everybody was just so, you know, uncertain and scared. And I said, Oh, sure. And I hung up the phone and I was like, Oh God, I have two days to redo everything. What am I? And then I stopped myself and I said, You know what? I'm gonna practice what I preach. I'm gonna go to bed and I'm gonna sleep on it, and I'm gonna wake up with the just right idea. And when I woke up, I saw the word calm, T A L N. And each letter stood for a step for how to quiet the mental noise and manage the emotion and turn around how you're thinking so you can move forward. So that's how it came into being. And I can go through the four steps if you'd like, right? Yeah, yeah, I'd love that if you don't mind. Sure. So the C in calm stands for conscious. And that's to become conscious of how you're feeling, and then taking that pause to breathe and just kind of calm down your nervous system. That's the C. The A is to become aware of what are the thoughts that are triggering these emotions and get them out of your mind and not to pay check. Or A is aware of the thoughts and asks, like a lawyer, but the thoughts on trial are these facts or are they beliefs, worry, attitudes, interpretations? And then the and usually they are. Usually they're not facts. So then in step three, L, L is for lean into what else is possible. If these thoughts are not true, what else is true? And that's where you start to reframe the thoughts. And then M is make a new decision. So now that I've calmed down my emotions and I'm thinking clearly, what is my next action step? So make a new decision. And if it feels aligned, take immediate action on it before you talk yourself out of it. So that's the calm method. And you just came up with this after one night of sleep? Just yes, yes, because I was like, oh, what am I gonna? I don't know how what am I gonna have two days. I had a whole PowerPoint together for the money mindset, and I was like, oh god, now I'm gonna start from scratch. And I was like, you know, playing around with it, and it was like after 10 o'clock at night, and I'm like, I'm gonna sleep on this. And I just set the intention. I just said to myself, my intention is to wake up with the just right idea to help these women. And that I just did something I never do in the morning. I usually I hit snooze, snooze. I popped up and in bed and I was like, calm, I could see it. You know, and it's nothing like new, like, yeah, breathe, we know that. What am I thinking? Reframe it. It was just the the way, the order of it, and how it went along the word comms, and it just makes it easy to remember. And you know, it's something that you do repeatedly, and it becomes a practice and it's a new way of thinking. So I started using it with my clients, and then I said, I might as well turn this into a book. So then I went to book, the calm method. I love how that came for even more for FOCO for you. When did you publish the book? I published it at the end of 2022. Hmm. Yeah, so I and it was interesting because first I started by I knew I wanted to write a book, but I thought I would write more of a memoir, and I had all my journals, you know, like 40 of them, and I started going through and typing out entries on a Google Doc. And then I said, Oh, why don't I just make this around the calm method and I can share some of these stories? And that's what I ended up doing. So instead of the memoir, it's about this framework, and I just have a lot of different stories and views in it that help people like make it relatable to their life. I love how you like needed it for this one thing, and then you turned it into something else, like repurposed it. Yeah, you did. I love that though. Like, I really do. You know, I didn't think of it that way either, but you're right. I did read. And then I said this it's great, like it's a very much a foundational tool, but then I add use tapping with it. I'm like, you can use the Calm framework as your tapping script, you know, when you tap you've got your words the same. So just adding other tools to it and just making it even more effective. And it's getting out to even more people, you know, by having it in a book. Like even the people that might not happen to discover you directly, they can still learn about it, they can still learn about it, they can still find it. Yeah, definitely. I love that. Now, I'd love to transition a tad. If you could go back and speak to your younger self, the version of you struggling even more so with perfectionism and OCD, what would you want her to know now? I would want her to know that it's okay to question. That it's okay to be curious and ask questions. Especially when something doesn't feel good. Instead of just accepting it as, well, this just must be what it is, and then living by that rule that you just ask and you get curious, and I think that alone would change the trajectory of your life. And I say that because so many times I was told by my parents and family and friends, but you are good enough, you are pretty. You know, like they tell you those things, and you just sometimes you just don't see it yourself and you can't receive it. So instead of like telling that younger version of myself that you are loved and you are lovable, I know it can flow on deaf ears a lot of times. So instead, I would teach her how to ask better questions and arrive at her own answers. And to know that if something doesn't feel good inside, that it's because it is out of alignment with who you are, and it's not true. If it doesn't feel good inside, it's out of alignment with who you truly are, and I use that to this day. I use it with myself, even if I get just maybe frustrated with somebody, maybe I get annoyed with a friend or something like that, and I know it doesn't feel good to stay that way, and so I know that that just means it's not really my true self coming from my true self. I'll ask myself a question: what would love do? What would love say? What would love personify love and then take the auction from there? And I find that that helps to get me like out of my head, outside of myself, a different perspective, and say, Oh, yeah, love would pick up the phone and call and just have that conversation. I like that V frame there. What would love do? Because love is really who we are, you know, under the hurt and the emotions and the frustrations and and all and the failures and all of the perceived failures, because there is no failure. I think that's what's there. And so that's why I'd say if ever not feeling good inside, you know, I know it's because I strayed from my true self from my authentic self. So to help me to reconnect with that, I I will even ask myself, you know, what would my higher self do? What would my higher self say? And it's always such a nicer answer than what Nikki, the ego, the personality, would say. That is so true. No, I'm curious. Do you have suggestions for anybody feeling misaligned and maybe not knowing where to start? Like one simple thing they can practice. Oh, yes. Let's see, one thing. I get to choose one thing. Okay, so when you're not feeling aligned with something, something just feels you can't put your finger on it, but just something just feels off. I would say to get still and tune in and just take a couple of deep breaths. And just kind of because if there's not alignment, there there's some kind of resistance of some kind, whether it's confusion or frustration, impatience, doubt. So I feel like if you get quiet and take those deep breaths, and it almost helps to calm down the nervous system, and then you have access to higher quality thoughts. I would say that would be the one that is pause read outcome-oriented questions that are focused on the outcome that you want, and then listen for the answer as through subconscious mind. And when it feels good, when that answer feels good, that means it's right for you, it's right for you in that moment. So take action early if it feels alone. I love that tip. That's really key. Getting still and quiet. And seeing. Getting still and quiet, and sometimes I'll even like go outside for a walk, or I'll start making dinner, I'll wash the dishes, just some kind of mindless activity, and I find in in in that movement that an answer or you know, clarity comes. Okay, a mindless activity. I like that. Yeah. Have we ever had a really good idea in the shower? You know, or folding laundry, like yes, like folding the hot towels out of the dryer, and off the thing to do that. And then it's like, oh, like this this epiphany comes with this thought or this idea. And then I'll say take action that I've had some pretty good ideas, and I'm like, oh, I'm gonna do a video about that. And then it's like, well, maybe I'm gonna think about this more. Maybe I can come up with a really good story to share for it. I'm gonna rank this thought on a post-it note and put it here on my desk, and then I'll make a video. And guess what? The video doesn't get made. So that's like an example of how if you have the idea and it feels good, take action on it because you're likely gonna come up with reasons for why you've got to wait and then you just don't do it. Then I look at that post-it like we later. I don't even remember the genius behind it. There's like a disconnect with it now. And I'm like, I don't even know what this means. I'm ripping up my throat. I get that. I think that's a great suggestion, though. Just stacked on it. Like Mel Robbins has something she mentions about a five-second rule. Yes. Count bad woods from five and just do it. Like, whip off the band-aid. Yeah, I love Mel Robbins. I just started listening to her podcast recently, and I'm like, does this sound good? Me too. I'm curious. I ask a lot of guests this, but I'm sure you've had multiple. But what would you say has been the biggest aha moment you've had in your life? Oh. Aha moment might be my superpower. What the I have to think about this. Let's see. My biggest aha moment. Oh, you know what it was? What the first thing that pops into my mind? I was on an airplane on my way home from Vancouver. It was the end of my final school year, and I had went on this business retreat that my business coach was hosting in Vancouver. And I was on the plane and I'm sitting in the middle seat, and we're getting ready to take off, and I look out the window, and as the plane is rising and the island of Vancouver is getting smaller and smaller and smaller, and I just see the clouds, I had this aha moment that wow, I have lived such a small life in the small town of Hazlitt, and just really limiting myself when there's a whole big world out there. When I was out in Vancouver on the business retreat, it just instead of sitting on a wooden auditorium chair at a faculty meeting, we were at a conference room of the hotel, and we had our laptops on these soft chairs and fun branded pens, and I was like, this feels so right. This feels like my people. And it was just amazing for me to see that there's just such a big world out there, and there's just so much practicability and opportunity for you when you're willing to see it and allow it. So that was my asthmat. And then I had, you know, that uh Liz Gilbert works about her in Eat Pray and Love when she was like crying on the floor. She had that like moment when that happened to me in the middle of an airplane, and I sobbed for an hour and a half. Literally, I just couldn't stop sobbing. I had two patient passengers on each side of me. One turned her head and put the pillow and just earbuds in her ears, and the other one just kept her nose in the book, but she kept passing me to shoes, which was so nice. I just let it all out. I literally just cried all the tears and pain and everything. And I had to again forgive myself. So I just kept repeating that ho ponopono prayer. You know, I love you. I'm sorry, please forgive me. Thank you. I just kept in my mind repeating it over and over and over again until I started to just, you know, surrender. And I know that I'm learning now that everything happens for a reason. And I had to go through everything that I did in order to get to this week. And while I was out in Atlanta, I heard this story of how the one of the boldest birds that there is is the crow. And how the crow will have the boldness to peck at the neck of the eagle. And the eagle ignores the crow. It doesn't pay attention to its model of the world, and it spreads its wings and it flies higher and higher. And at some point the air becomes so thin the crow doesn't have the oxygen, so it just lets go and falls, and the eagle continues to rise. And so I came full circle with this moment in Atlanta with the training, because I finally admitted that I do love teaching. And the path rose for me. And I said yes to it. And I feel like the ego that I was able to elevate myself. And I know that that's possible for everybody. When you can embrace everything in your life, and get curious, and know that life is happening for you. What do I need to learn? What's the message? And just be open to what that is for you to do the work that you came here to do. I love that reference. When I heard it, I was like, Oh, I love that. I do too. And if we can learn from the eagle how different life could be for all of us, you know, like somebody says something that you get offended or you don't like or whatever. It's like being like the eagle, let it peck at your neck and keep rising because eventually it's gonna have to let go because it can't breathe up there. I love that. That is such a wise saying, it's a powerful metaphor for what I was talking with a client today, and she was telling me about one of her good friends that said a couple of things to her that hurt her feelings so much, and she's like, you know, I just I feel so bothered. I feel like I need to tell her what I want to say, or I've got to prove myself, you know. And it's like you can, or you could be like the eagle, and you could just continue to elevate your soul, and all the noise and everything eventually it's just gonna fall away. It's true. Wow, I love that. Well, thank you so much, Nikki. I really appreciate it. Well, and thank you for this space to have this conversation. I think it's really important to have conversations like this. Yeah, absolutely. Have you heard of a man named Jay Shetty? Yes, figured, but he has a podcast, and I love it, it's one of my favorites, called On Purpose, and he ends it with two segments, and I use those two segments as well. I give him some credit because they are not my question. They are not my question at all. The first segment is the many sides to us, and there's five questions, and they need to be answered in one word each. Okay. One word. What is one word someone who was meeting you for the first time would use to describe you as? Sweet. What is one word someone that knows you extremely well would use to describe you as? What is one word you'd use to describe yourself? Strong. What is one word that if someone didn't like you or agree with your mindset would use to describe you as? First word that came to mind is three words. One word for it. Conceited. What is one word you're trying to embody right now? Playful. Second segment is the final five, and these can be answered in up to a sentence. Oh yes. What is the best advice you've heard or received? Okay. The best advice I ever heard or received that when you come to a point in your life, imagine a line in the sand. When you step over the line, make sure you cross with both feet. So you're standing in the light that you're now one of. Why is that the best advice? That advice was given to me by my business coach when I was out in Vancouver, and it just solidified for me that I made the right decision. I already took one foot and stepped out of teaching, and now I had to take the other foot and cross the line completely and fully commit to building my business. There is no plan B, there's no going back. Just fully stand there, grounded and make it happen. What is the worst advice you've heard or received? The first thing that comes to mind is when you have children that your life is over, that it's no longer about you, that you're a mother, and now everything is about your kids. Why is that the worst advice? I took it very literally, and at the time I thought give up myself, I'm still figuring out who I am. I don't want that. And then I spent my lifetime on it almost. I didn't start this until I was 40. And then at that point missed the boat. What is something that you used to value but that you no longer value? Something I used to value caring what other people think. I used to prioritize what others thought. And now I've decided to make how I feel a top priority. Is there anything that helped you with that? This work, all the personal growth, you know, all the books, all the podcasts, all the therapy, and then NLP and hypnotherapy, because having learning it, I got to receive it. And that has really helped. Me to express myself and say what's true for me and understanding that what's most important is what's important to you. And when you lead with that, when there's something you want to say and you lead with, it's important to me to fill in the blank. Really hard for people to argue against what's important to you. Does that make sense? Without an example, does that make sense? Yeah, no, it really does. I like that example. It's important to me. I think that's that makes a lot of sense. Even when it comes to saying no, sometimes, you know, we have a no, and it's like if you just say, you know, it's important to me to follow through on the commitments I make. So I just don't have the bandwidth right now. You know, it's like, well, the person can't argue that that's not important to you. Yeah, put the focus on that versus the fact that you had to say no. That makes a lot of sense. If you could describe what you would want your legacy to be, as if someone was reading it, what would you want it to say? First words that come to my mind is you matter. Your life matters. You're here for a blip. You're here for a very short time. Step into the courage of really being true to yourself. Say what's true for you, express yourself. Won't worry about the consequences. Because, honestly, some of the biggest consequences is when you stray from that, and you will like that others chose for you. And you settled. If you could create one law in the world that everyone had to follow, what would it be? And I wanna know why. Keep your opinions to yourself. Unless you're ass read that. I guess that's in line with that no unsolicited advice. Why would that be the law? That would be the law for people like me, who at one time have valued what other people think and say more so than what's true for you. And making that uh you know, like that's the law. That's what I've got to look like. So I would say that would be the law, and that would make people have to think more for themselves and feel more into what feels right for them. And then if they want to get advice or an opinion, you've gotta ask for it. Otherwise, people keep their opinions to themselves. Thank you so much for speaking with me, Nikki. I really appreciate it. Yeah, well, thank you. And I love those questions, by the way. Those very that's how fun those were like I had a really thing. They're for they're Jay Shetty, he asks them at the end of his, and I think it's like a kind of fun way to wrap it up, like and end out the segment, end out the show. Wow, so much fun, thank you. Yeah, of course, thank you. And I do just like to give it back to the guests, no pressure, but if there is any other final words you want to leave the listeners with, yes, I wanna say that love is a verb. Love yourself, and what that looks like is each day asking yourself, what's one loving thing I can do for myself today? No matter how simple it is, it could just be I'm gonna put a blanket over my lap because I feel cold. That's a loving act you could do, and that is how you can learn how to love yourself because we're told to do that, but we don't know how to do it. So turn it into the verb that it is, and start doing small loving acts every day for yourself, and before you know it, you're gonna love yourself. I love that. That's so simple, and it's easy to remember, right? It is, but I I love your example and everything with that, but you even had a great simple example with that. Like, I love that. Good, thank you. I'm glad it resonated. And I will link all of your info in the show notes for everybody to connect with you. Are you active on any social media if anybody wants to get in touch with you there? Yes, I'm active on Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and YouTube. Awesome. I will link them in the show notes. Thank you so much, Nikki. Thank you for having me, man. And fun. Thank you guys for tuning in to Man Day's Mindset. In case no one told you today, I'm proud of you. I'm voting for you, and you got this. As always, if you enjoyed the show, I would really appreciate it if you would leave me a five-star rating, leave a review, and share with anyone you think would benefit from that. And don't forget, you are only one nine-step shift away from shifting your life. Thanks guys, until next time.